CoffeeTime: “Divorce and dealing with your ex"

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Years ago, right after I began CoffeeTime Column, a friend suggested I write an article addressing ‘Dealing with your ex after the divorce.’

Now, I don’t know much, but I do know that a writer is foolish to attempt to write about an unfamiliar subject. And as I have never personally experienced the aftermath of a divorce, writing on it is likely foolhardy on my part. And a possible insult to those who have.

So, up to now, I have avoided the entire subject. But yet, her words have kept surfacing in my thoughts as the years have passed. So, I finally did the most prudent and wise thing I could – I drew upon my conversations with divorced people, listening to their experiences of living with divorce in their rear-view mirror.

Then I spent some time combining their experiences, thoughts, and hard-won views with some frank teachings from God’s written Word. The following column is the result:

Divorce hurts everyone, period.  Not just the couple with a broken marriage, but all those involved in their lives. Kids still at home, kids already out on their own, moms and dads, siblings and friends. Even supervisors at work, who are depending upon jobs being done effectively. Going through a divorce sometimes has a way of clouding the ability to think clearly. And the boss never appreciates that.

Divorce takes a toll financially and emotionally on the husband and wife. Though probably not equally, from what I have been repeatedly told. One ex-spouse always seems to hurt so much more, while watching the other seemingly flourish and prance their way through life. That in itself can bring on more anger and bitterness. Not the greatest way to try to walk on.

Some important lessons they’ve told me they learned from divorce:  1) Forgiveness is the best thing for you. It won’t change your ex-spouse’s behavior, just the consequences of it on your own entire future. 2) Realize if you remarry, you likely will subconsciously assign your ex-spouse’s faults to your new spouse. And fear makes you act defensively, setting you up for another fail. 3) Counseling can help. It helps you deal with this tendency and life to come.

How does God feel about divorce? Scripture teaches that He hates divorce. All the above listed pain and problems is partly why. Another reason is Scripture states that when one marries, that person becomes one part of a whole. And any way it’s done, cutting something down the middle ends up creating two severed halves.

Not exactly the painful end God intended.

The Bible specifically mentions only two reasons for divorcing. Cheating on marriage vows or if the other spouse leaves. Cheating is fairly easy to define. But leaving… is emotional or physical abuse another form of leaving the marriage?  Like I said earlier, I am not qualified to answer, only to own an opinion. And opinions without experience aren’t worth much to someone else who has actually been there.