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Oh, shoot. Why am I writing about this question? Do I have a hidden ‘Go ahead and kill me now, and get it over with’ complex in me somewhere?
Here we go over hill and dale anyway, and consequences bedamned.
THE QUESTION: How many “I really am sorry” will it take to get forgiveness for something you did or said that offended someone? Interesting question, and one that has many “Welllll, that depends upon ...” attached to the answer. Here are a few of those ‘it depends upon.’
Depends on… how deeply the offense cut and how deliberately you cut. Don’t be surprised if your loved one requires more than just a quick apology from you. They probably will need a sit-down-come-to-Jesus conversation with you to clearly explain how deeply you cut. In many people, deep pain takes a lot of salve for healing, and deep talks with you can be just that. An offended loved one may need to be reassured, and more than just once, that you are very aware and sickened by the hurt you caused.
Depends upon… if the person you offended has experienced the same offence from you many times before, heard the same apology, and therefore doesn’t believe you mean it. If that is the case, then you have created a multi-layered dish full of toxin. Your first offense is layer #1, and the same repeated actions by you has caused layers 2,3,4, etc.
First of all, seek help to address your personal issues that are causing you to have to keep saying “I’m so sorry.” That can allow the one you keep hurting to start believing in you, forgive, and make a fresh start with you – with no poison in the dish.
Depends on… does the offended one just simply love to hold grudges? If they are trained in the fine art of having the memory of an elephant, then, my friend, both of you are eating from that toxic dish, no matter how many layers. You keep dishing it up, and the offended one is relishing the results – their power over you - that you created. And both of you are ‘tearing down your own house around your ears.’ Yes, that is a phrase directly adapted from the Good Book.
Depends on… is your apology truly sincere, or are those words just a way out of the doghouse that day? Does the previous sentence ‘tearing down your own house around your ears’ ring any bells? If manipulation is your go-to, then you really need to take a really close look inside yourself. All of us say or do the wrong things in life sometimes, but the key is to realize it, own it, sincerely apologize, and set out to make real changes.
Lying, deliberately going for the jugular, grudge-holding, insincerity - all are great ways to accomplish the same thing. Ruining a relationship.
All ways to tear down your own house around your ears.
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